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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23505331">It Makes You Feel Sick</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/eldritchIncendiary/pseuds/eldritchIncendiary'>eldritchIncendiary</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kanaya Maryam/Karkat Vantas Moirallegiance, Karkat Needs a Hug, Meteorstuck, POV Karkat Vantas, Retcon Timeline, as much as i love rosemary, i dont know how to write anything without saying fuck, i dont mention it in this other than hinting at it, i say fuck a lot in this, its soft bro, like really, love you guy UwU, my friend said he cried while reading this so i guess its sad?, so i wont bother tagging it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:41:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,691</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23505331</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/eldritchIncendiary/pseuds/eldritchIncendiary</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>How many days had you been laying in here on your own? How many times did your chest tighten at the sound of anyone walking past the door? How many times did you hear him walk past, only to stop just outside before walking away again? How much longer were you going to let this drag on for?</p>
<p>(In which Dave has been avoiding Karkat, and Karkat is understandably upset by it.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>82</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It Makes You Feel Sick</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Fuck him. Fuck him for avoiding you, and fuck you for being surprised and hurt by it. You knew this would happen and yet here you are, being pathetic and sad in a dark room all because that asshole won’t talk to you. Thank god this room didn’t have any mirrors in it, you felt bad enough without seeing how terrible you most definitely look. God, this is probably the reason he won’t fucking look at you, you’re such a mess it probably makes him sick to his stomach.</p>
<p>	You wanted to yell, and demand to know why he was avoiding you, and punch him in his stupid face, but you also wanted to curl up into a sad, little ball and disappear completely. You didn’t want to cry though, and you wouldn’t. Instead you were going to lay down and stare at the ceiling to mope like a normal troll instead of blubbering like a wiggler about it.</p>
<p>	How many days had you been laying in here on your own? How many times did your chest tighten at the sound of anyone walking past the door? How many times did you hear him walk past, only to stop just outside before walking away again? How much longer were you going to let this drag on for?</p>
<p>	Not much longer, apparently. Kanaya made sure of that. You could pick out her footsteps instantly, and felt dread build in your stomach. God, your head hurt so fucking much, you didn’t feel like getting up. You turned away from the light as Kanaya pushed open your door, leaving it open as she stepped lightly toward you. She said something, but your head hurt too damn much for you to listen or care. You just scowled as she pulled you to your feet and led you to the common room, where Rose was lounging on the couch, eyes scanning the page of whatever book she was reading. You would probably ask if you could force the words out, but your mouth felt like it had been glued shut.</p>
<p>	You didn’t realize Kanaya had thrust a glass of water into your hand until you were bringing it up to your mouth on reflex, taking a single drink before setting it down on the counter. Kanaya frowned at you, and your stomach twisted. You hated when she gave you that worried look. It made you feel smaller and more pitiable than you already were.</p>
<p>	“You really should drink, Karkat,” she urged, voice filled with pity. “It isn’t healthy to not eat or drink for days on end.” You huff, not in the mood to respond. You take one more drink, looking Kanaya in the eye as you did in an attempt to get her to stop bugging you about it. It felt painful going down, since your throat was unbelievably dry. Kanaya still didn’t seem satisfied, but she didn’t say anything more. You laid your head down on the counter top, burying your face in the sleeve of your sweater. God, were the overhead lights always this bright?</p>
<p>	You could feel your entire body go tense, could feel your heart practically implode on itself when he walked in, moving quietly. You couldn’t see it, but you could tell Kanaya was watching him enter, eyes practically burning a hole into him. He stopped just a few feet away from you, and you began to feel nauseous. Too close. He was way too close, but still not close enough. Your hands twitched every so slightly, before moving to grip at the fabric of your sleeves in a last ditch attempt to ground yourself.</p>
<p>	This meant nothing. He didn’t come here to search for you, and you were stupid to hope he was. This was the common room, he had every right to be here. You didn’t have the right to be as upset as you are. If he noticed just how tense you were, he didn’t say anything, but to be fair if he did say anything you’d probably punch him for daring to show any concern at all after the shit he put you through for however many days you spent holed up in your room. You really should ask Kanaya how long you were doing that before she came to get you, but the thought of uttering a word with him in the room only made your throat feel more dry than it already was. If you talked, it would probably hurt like hell anyway.</p>
<p>	“Dave,” Rose spoke up from the other side of the room, you heard her shut the book she was focused on earlier, “can I speak with you outside for a moment?” You assume he nodded because the only thing that followed were the sounds of footsteps and then a shutting door. You peeked up over your arm to see Kanaya, back turned, probably focused on babying you some more.</p>
<p>	“Has he uh…” yeesh, your voice sounded rougher than you thought it would, “did he mention why he was…” Kanaya picked up on what you were asking, and sighed. That didn’t feel like a very good sign.</p>
<p>	“Not to me, no. I’m sure Rose knows the reason, but she has so far refused to share.” That’s not shocking, he probably made her swear not to tell. Can’t have you find out all of the terrible shit he’s saying about you. Kanaya huffed and dropped a plate in front of you. “I doubt he’s saying anything bad, Karkat. I’m sure Dave’s just…” Kanaya stopped, probably finding the nicest way to say what you already know. “I’m sure he’ll come around. Just be patient.” You scoff.</p>
<p>	“I thought I was being patient.” She raised an eyebrow. “He just doesn’t want anything to do with me.” You stared down at the metal countertop, watching as Kanaya tapped her black painted nails against the surface of it.</p>
<p>	“What makes you think that, now?” Kanaya asked, eyes fixed on you.</p>
<p>	“I don’t fucking know, maybe the fact that he’s refused to talk to me for days? The fact that he suddenly ‘has to go’ every time I walk into a fucking room? He just fucking-” you slammed your head on the counter, plate and silverware clattering when your forehead made contact with the cold steel. You don’t bother finishing your sentence, instead capping it with a groan. Kanaya gave a sigh, sliding around the counter and sitting beside you. “I don’t even know why I care so much at this point,” you lied, but whether that lie was for you or Kanaya, you weren’t entirely sure. In reality, you knew exactly why you cared as much as you did, it just hurt more to admit it. Even though the lie was extremely obvious, and you knew Kanaya was smarter than to believe any of the shit you say, she gave a small nod.</p>
<p>	“You two were fairly close before, I’d be surprised if you didn’t care. I’d most likely be the same way if Rose stopped talking to me.” You said nothing at that. How could you? Their situation was completely different from yours, Kanaya would have more of a reason to be upset. You could just hear Rose and Dave talking by the door. It was muffled, but you could hear just enough to know what Rose was saying. You couldn’t quite make out his words though, but you could tell Rose was upset at least.</p>
<p>	After a few minutes, the door to the common room slid open, and you desperately wanted to go back to your room. You gave Kanaya a look, and she frowned.</p>
<p>	“At least take some food with you.” She sighed. God, the thought of food made you so nauseous. You push yourself to your feet, shaking your head slightly.</p>
<p>	“Later.” You groan, forcing yourself not to drag your feet on your way to the door. By the time you reached the door to your room, your entire body felt like it was being weighed down, and you gladly collapsed into the pile of blankets in the corner of the room. Honestly, you weren’t completely sure where the pile came from, but it was better than sleeping in a pile of horns. You weren’t entirely sure why you preferred to sleep here, when you did have a perfectly good bed literally on the other side of the room. Maybe it was just a force of habit at this point.</p>
<p>	You huffed when you heard your door open, guessing it was Kanaya. You didn’t bother turning to look at her. You would much rather be alone right now.</p>
<p>	“Don’t you have anything better to do?” You snap, and instantly want to take it back. She’s just worried, that’s what moirails do. You consider apologizing, turning to look at her-</p>
<p>	Or him. Shit, why the fuck was he here? Did he fucking follow you? God you wish he would take those stupid fucking shades off so you could read his expression for once.</p>
<p>	“Nah,” he leans against the doorframe, and you want to pass out, “I figure this is pretty high on the list of things to do, like, at the top, ya know?” If this motherfucker knows what's good for him, he’ll leave immediately, but you’re lucked out in the sense that he’s probably the biggest dumbass you’ve ever met. Without a word, you stand and walk over to him, hands shaking at your sides.</p>
<p>	It was probably in poor taste to just hit him out of nowhere, but you’d already thought about punching him so many times so actually doing it felt really good. It probably wasn’t the best way to react, and Kanaya would probably be disappointed if she found out, but you really couldn’t give less of a fuck right now. You hadn’t intended on hitting Dave hard enough to make him bleed, but his nose was bleeding anyway, and you felt just a little bit sorry.</p>
<p>	Just a little bit, though.</p>
<p>	“Shit, yeah, I probably deserved that,” he groaned, holding his sleeve up to his nose to keep himself from bleeding everywhere.</p>
<p>	“Probably?” </p>
<p>	“Definitely, god damn that hurt.” He managed to laugh, and you suddenly felt sick.</p>
<p>	“That’s the point, asshole.” You practically growl, and he pulls back, frown fixed to his face. “What the fuck do you want, Strider? I don’t know if you could tell, but I’m not exactly in the mood to deal with your bullshit.” He lowers his arm once he’s sure the bleeding has stopped, but he doesn’t seem to notice there’s still a smear of red on his face.</p>
<p>	“That’s fair, but I figure having you be upset with me is better than you hating me so…” Wait, what? “I was an asshole, I know, but if you just…” he sighs, hand moving up to adjust his shades before stopping, freezing with his hand poised just on the edge of the frames, “hear me out?” His voice lilts at the end, giving you a choice. You could decide to turn him away, never have to speak to or look at him, but that sounds worse than suffering through his long winded rambles that never seemed to have an actual point or direction. You take a deep breath and cross your arms over your chest.</p>
<p>	“Did Rose put you up to this?” You watch him stumble, tripping over his words like he always did when he was caught off guard by something.</p>
<p>	“No but, well, I mean, she said I should talk to you at some point, but she didn’t make me,” he sighs, attempting to collect his thoughts. You frown, and he stops talking.</p>
<p>	“Then why are you here?” He looks confused by your question, like he couldn’t understand why you’d ask something like that.</p>
<p>	“Why? I don’t know, maybe I actually like hanging out with you and avoiding you makes me feel worse than I did before?” You scoff, and he stiffens.</p>
<p>	“So I’m that bad, huh?” You don’t bother trying to hide the hurt in your voice. It makes him squirm and, petty as it is, you want him to know just how shitty you feel firsthand.</p>
<p>	“NO, that’s not what I’m--” He clears his throat, running a hand through his hair. “Fuck, Karkat, I just…” He takes a few deep breaths, regret painting his features. You could tell he was frustrated, and it pains you know you’re the cause of it. “I know I fucked up, and I really should have said something sooner instead of letting shit get worse, but I psyched myself out of it everytime, and Rose was trying to help me out with that, but seeing you just…” He finally removes his shades, rubbing at his eyes with one hand. “I realized I fucked up bad way too late, and I just want to know what I can do to fix it, or, no, maybe not fix it, it’s way too bad to just fix it but I want to just fucking, I don’t know, clear the air? I guess? I did a lot of stupid shit that I wish I didn’t and I feel terrible because of it, and I really just want to put this whole shitshow behind us, but I know what happens is really more up to you because this is entirely my fault because I was scared and had no idea how to cope with shit because of other shit that happened, not that I’m blaming it all on that, it’s all just,” he catches himself mid-ramble, finally making eye contact with you. You wish you could envelop yourself in the silence, disappear from sight to try to comprehend the word vomit. But you couldn’t, and even if you could, you highly doubted it was fair to either of you. Dave couldn’t be more obviously beating himself up over this, and he was giving you the choice of where you two went from here. </p>
<p>	You couldn’t quite tell what he was expecting you to say, but you could see that he wanted for you to at least consider forgiving him, and god damn if that didn’t make your insides twist. You had no idea how this conversation was going to end, and you were scared you’d make a choice that you’d regret, but you also really didn’t want to fuck things up further. Fuck, this would probably be much easier if everything you were feeling wasn’t so muddled together like this. You wanted to be angry, but there were so many things racing through your head that drowned that anger out, and most of them were eating away at you slowly.</p>
<p>	You sigh and let your hands fall to your sides, shoulders slouching.</p>
<p>	“Look…” Dave tenses up more, if that’s even possible, “As much as I would love to stay pissed at you, I don’t think I could force myself to keep that up for the rest of the time we’re on this rock, even if I wanted to, which I actually really don’t. It’s exhausting, and unfair, and I’m just so fucking tired of being stressed over this. It isn’t a fucking secret that we’re both complete wrecks because of this and I’d much rather stop moping over some bullshit that could have been avoided, so… I’d really rather forget any of this happened.” He loosens up, shoulders dropping, tight frown relaxing, letting out a sigh that can only be described as tired. He nods before focusing his attention on you again, looking panicked.</p>
<p>	“Wait, did you really spend four days locked in your room?” He asks.</p>
<p>	“Yeah? I guess?” You reply, and he heaves out a laugh, if you can even call it that.</p>
<p>	“And you didn’t eat or drink anything?” He searches your face for whatever the fuck he’s so panicked over. You shake your head and he sputters. “Fucking hell, Karkat, we’re getting you some food, holy fucking shit, you can’t just do that! You realize you can die from shit like that?”</p>
<p>	You huff and let him drag you back to the common room, letting yourself relax for the first time in what feels like forever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i wasnt lying when i said this made my friend nearly cry. he read it and messaged me saying it made him feel a feeling and that he was tearing up so i guess its good enough to post. also i have no idea if the title makes sense but this was what i called it while i was working on it and im too lazy to come up with anything else</p></blockquote></div></div>
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